Y9:38 PM
I was that close to creating a huge havoc during chemistry promos in the hall earlier today. I am so pissed that i slept only for three frigging hours last night only to screw up both economics and chemistry papers. Chemistry was the lamest piece of shit i've ever seen in my entire 17 years of life. It's the toughest paper and it just had to be my promotional paper. I was so pissed argh! 3 questions each carrying 20 marks only allowed to be done in 1.5 hours. I expected the stupid paper to be very tough but i least expected to only be able to attempt like 15% of the stupid freaking paper. Argh i am so disappointed in myself and angry that i've worked so hard for chemistry for the past few months only to find out earlier today that it's all just not effing worth it. I don't understand why they had to set it obnoxiously hard to the very point that i couldnt even have a proper breathing minute. I skipped zillion over questions and by the time i reached the cursed 3rd question, i was very tempted to push the goddamned stupid table and kick all the tables and chairs around me. Talk about teenage angst, this is worse than suicidal. Argh, there wasn't a question that i was at least sure of, not even a frigging 1m question. To top it off a friend told me rumour has it that many people failed biology. Like what are the odds, everything also fail. How to freaking get promoted lah *middle finger* I know it's early to give up but what are the chances that i will pass 2 out of 3 of my H2 subjects and pass the only very H1 subject to get promoted/!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! Argh, JC is lamest shit i've ever gone thru.
Very much i do thank God for blessing me with very understanding parents who make me feel better with their constant encouragement to try my very best. I love them but i know i will disappoint them with my promotional results. I will be retained. I will repeat the horrifying JC1, AGAIN. The thought of retaining just stabs my heart, even though yes i know i am competing with kids from victoria and temasek secondary. But i just don't get it, there must be something wrong with the way/method i practise studying. I tried all possible thinkable ways but to no avail, i still have no answer to why i screw up every single time i take a test. What is wrong with me. To you readers who are suckers tt say that everything is wrong with me, then for once you might be just right. Argh, i dont understand why i cannot do well in junior college. Before, i'd study like mad and i'd obtain whatever decent grades. Now, i try my very best and i still just screw up. Sometimes i just ponder whether this is really the right path for me. I Know i should not regret whatever i've chosen cos afterall this is My decision despite my parents' will. Hence i will tell myself that yes i will make it through, i will do fine, i will do okay, i will pull through and i will get promoted and my parents would be very happy for me.
I've always wanted to do well, you don't know how much it makes me happy and how much, in turn, it makes my parents happy. They need not show it but i know that deep inside they pray for me every single day so that i will do well in my studies and get into a local university. I know tt deep inside they are as happy as i am(or very much more) when i tell them i pass a stupid faculty test. It aches every part of me to know that i won't be able to satisfy their needs and make them feel at ease. I want to get promoted, i want them to be happy. Yes i am getting very emotional here.
Eversince i got back from school earlier today, i just cannot collect my thoughts well enough. Everything's just everywhere. The thought of failing biology haunts me, the thought of the chemistry paper alone can make me cry. It's devastating how screwed my situation really is right now. So what if i retain, will i do any better? Or should i just consider poly? Is that really the right path for me? And what if it isn't? I wish to be a normal jane next door taking her alevels next year and that's really my only wish right now. Ramadhan is the only reason why i'm not breaking down into pieces, ramadhan makes me stronger. But i'm wondering how long this will last. My head hurts, my eyebags are pulling every strength that's supporting my eyelids, my shoulder's aching like i've hiked up mt. everest for 3 months. I'm really exhausted and i just want this to end. End well. I want this to end well. I do not want to repeat jc1 and face the whole entire series of events again. Meeting new friends can be fun but i've found great friendship in the three friends i'm closest with in school. I'd cry my hearts out if we do get separated. I will. The only reason why i'm pulling myself together is because i know my friends understand what i'm going through. I need not elaborate and describe vividly how i feel cos they know. They know. I may not be flexible here but i want them to be with me through this jc period. I need them just like i need my bestfriends, just like i need my family, just like i need myself.
This may be one of the most ridiculous reads you're getting from me but i'm screwed. It's only fair i write about how i feel when i'm unhappy too. Argh. I'd love to be alone by the sea really and have time for myself. But with the exams coming up and the craze of hari raya, i don't think that's possible. At least for anytime soon. I'm hoping for a miracle i really am. Ya Allah, please. Please make all these worth it.
On another note, my menstrual cycle occurs twice this Ramadhan. I do not have the chance to fast at least for 3 weeks. Argh. I've got a lot of debts to repay after Raya. Speaking of which i'm looking forward to it. It will be the day i stop studying, the day i dress up, the day i eat more kuih tarts and chocolate brownies from mufti's wife and everything blissful. I am so sick of studying. Actually no, i'm sick of failures.
